Part 1

In the nature of beginning again, let’s start at the beginning of my story.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣The story starts when I was 16.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣It was junior year of high school.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

I woke up one morning over Christmas break and nobody was home.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

When I called my mom, I got news that would change my life forever.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣My dad had been in an accident.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣I don’t remember much of what happened next.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

All I know is that New Years Day 2011, I spent the day with my dad.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣The 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 day with my dad.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣Sitting in his hospital room, broken, I had a knowing rush through me.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

A knowing that— even though I knew better— I could swear the voice wasn’t my own.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣“𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨,” it said.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣I don’t remember much over the next year.⁣⁣⁣

Then the second day of college I met him.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣What I thought would be my silver lining turned out to be an emotionally abusive relationship.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣Then he punched me in the face.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣Collapsed on the floor of his bedroom, broken, I had the knowing rush through me again.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣“𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨,” it said.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣I wish I could tell you that I found my strength and it just gets better from there.⁣⁣

But the truth is, I continued to reflect in my outer reality what I was feeling within.⁣⁣⁣

⁣Binge drink, panic attack, binge drink, repeat.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣It wasn’t until I was in an accident, taking medical leave from work, that I was forced to take a hard look at my life.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣Laying in bed, my leg physically broken, I had the knowing rush through me again.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣“𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.”⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣And as if from a force beyond myself, my hands floated to my keyboard and typed the words:⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣“How to be happy.” 𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣It was in that moment, I had an inkling of knowing, from the voice that wasn’t my own.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣“𝘍𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳,” it said. “𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.”⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

✨⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣💫

Part 2

I laid in bed, a cast from my hip to my ankle, and my first thought was “thank God I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.”⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣It was December 2017.⁣⁣⁣⁣

Life was unfulfilling to me.⁣

⁣⁣⁣And I was working 70 hour weeks.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣But by the time my head hit the pillow I was so tired, or so drunk, I didn’t have time to think.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣Then in a fateful turn of events, I blew my knee out and had to have surgery.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣𝘛𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘴, they said. Until you’re back on your feet.⁣⁣⁣⁣

𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘎𝘰𝘥, I thought. I’ll take anything.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣If you’ve followed my story this far, you know about my dad, and the ex, and the drinking.⁣⁣⁣⁣

And you know about the 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 voice, that I had inside of me.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣Well another part of the backstory:

A few weeks prior to my accident, I was crying to my mom on the phone.

⁣⁣⁣⁣“𝘐’𝘮 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦! 𝘓𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘴. 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘴𝘰 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬.”⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣I imagine the Universe laughing— “𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘪𝘵, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘦𝘦.”⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣So when I fell, heard a POP!, and tore my ACL…. You can imagine the fate I thought this would be.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣Two weeks I wallowed in self pity.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣It’s funny, looking back, how the Universe works— 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘥— don’t you see?⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣And then it dawned on me,⁣⁣⁣⁣

With stark clarity,⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣𝘏𝘰𝘭𝘺 𝘚𝘏𝘐𝘛! 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴!⁣

It’s what I need.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣My hands floated to the keyboard⁣

“𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺” — I typed across the keys.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣𝘚𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵… what’s that?⁣⁣⁣⁣

𝘔𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴𝘦𝘵… hmm, interesting.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣Well, I don’t know what the fuck this is but nothing else has been working.⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣What do successful people do?⁣⁣⁣⁣

How do rich people think?⁣⁣⁣⁣

How did others change their life?⁣⁣⁣⁣

What does this mean?

⁣⁣⁣⁣Now I see how it all fits perfectly.⁣⁣⁣⁣

I listened to the nudge.⁣⁣⁣⁣

To the voice.⁣⁣⁣⁣

To the whisper.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦’𝘴 𝘢 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮.⁣⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣As it turns out, it was just the beginning…⁣⁣⁣⁣

And 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 came to be.